ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
