...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
