I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just invented taco cereal.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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