She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
