How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
