so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Randomize
