Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
