I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
