Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i think i just lost a toe
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
