were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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