Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
the day after is always just damage control
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
