I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Is Oprah even human
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
