hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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