I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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