So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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