The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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