Sorry, I don't speak sober.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
