Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
