I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
