i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
