If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
