p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
