my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
