the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
