I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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