i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
