I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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