Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
