proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Found the puke drawer
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
