Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
