Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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