felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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