Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I think my moral compass just broke
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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