Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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