oh god the rape fog is back!
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
