yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
as a side note pls kill me
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
