if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
