The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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