party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
