I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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