Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Found your dick twin last night
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
