Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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