it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
