Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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