so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
