It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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