My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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