Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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