broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
