My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
