so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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